Pines Date (Presented by Bill Cipher!)
by anxresi
Summary: Sick of seeing Dipper striking out with every girl he meets, Bill decides to force him into a gameshow with all the females (Yep, ALL of them) to see if the nerd can finally find Mrs Right. Watched by an audience of locals, and compered by the triangle-turned-human himself... This... IS PINES DATE! Please take your seats... The shows about to begin! Rated T for tasteless crudity.
1. Chapter 1

Dipper was having a restless night. Drenched in sweat... And various other bodily fluids (hmm) he was fidgeting like crazy, in the midst of his nightmares. All that had gone down recently between the two Stans... His discovery of the three Journals... And the fact he was battling 'the forces of darkness' every day were really having a toll on the poor little Lamby Wamby. He tossed... He turned... He accidentally mumbled his REAL name... (Sorry, not allowed to tell you. Alex Hirsch has some REALLY good lawyers). It seemed nothing could settle this boy down.

He was currently in the middle of a horrible vision. No, it wasn't the shapeshifter... Or the Hide Behind... Or even Grunkle Stan first thing in the morning. It was something MUCH worse than all those no doubt horrible creations. It was... Come on, guess... No, that's not right, try again... Seriously?!... You pervert... I'll give you one last chance... Nah, not even close. Jeez, did your peabrain fall out of your ear this morning?... That's it... I'm spilling the beans (Ha ha, beans). It was...

Mabel, and her friends...

Chasing Sir Dipping Sauce...

To give him a...

MAKEOVER! (Shiver)

...

WHAT D'YA MEAN THAT'S NOT THAT SCARY?! Have YOU ever been tied to a chair, had your face submerged in all kinds of horrible gunk, been forced into embarrassing costumes that would shame a clown and had your hair styled so it looked like a cross between an afro, and a crew cut?

No, didn't think so.

So, you're not allowed to judge. *BLOWS RASPBERRY*

Anyway, our hero was, dodging the talcum powder, evading the clippers and leaping over the dresses like a pro. It looked like he was going to make it out the front door... YES! JOE MONTANA, EAT YOUR HEART OU...

KA-BOOM!

That noise was the sound of a two-ton pink farm creature jumping on the Dipster just before he was about to complete his victory lap. So near, yet so far.

Yes, dear reader... It was Waddles... But not as you know him, capt'n. He was six foot tall, for one... And he seemed to be following Mabel's precise orders. Which were: Guard the door, and perform a bellyflop on my brother if he dares to escape.

It was a wrestling maneovure the Hulkster himself would have been proud of. Oh, sorry... I forgot, we're not supposed to mention him. (Racism, secret video tape... Ring any bells?)

"GOOD BOY, WADDLES!" Mabel was effusive in her praise for her now not-so-little-friend, and gave him a big hug to show her appreciation.

Only now, she only came up to his lower belly. Oh, well... It's the thought that counts.

"Now, ladies..." She looked to her left and right at the advancing Grenda and Candy "It's time to put Plan Superhunk Brother... INTO ACTION!" She practically yelled those last two words, nearly blowing her brother's cap off in the process.

"No, NO!" Dipper screamed, as the three grinning witches s-l-o-w-l-y advanced, each one with an evil leer, and plenty of ammunition in the form of cosmetics and fancy costumes. He tried to escape... But when you're trapped between the shapely buttocks of the largest slab of pork in the Multiverse, it's rather difficult to move an inch.

He closed his eyes... Ready to accept his fate like the brave man he knew himself to be... Bracing himself for the first impact of blush to smear his cheek... Anticipating the girls underwear to be foisted onto his groin (Actually, he kinda liked that part)... When suddenly...

Nothing.

The shrillness, the footsteps, the incessant grunting of the porcine paperweight... All gone. The Sound Of Silence. Dipper dared to open one eye... Before panicking, and opening the other eye.

"WHAT IS THIS?!" He yelled.

For all, was pitch black.

Had some one turned off the light?

Was he in a dark cave?

Or had he spent too long in the bathroom, entertaining himself with those pictures of Wendy in a biki...

"HELLO, PINE TREE" boomed an unmistakable voice.

Dipper's emotional state immediately reverted from fear to frustration. He mentally (and physically) slapped his own forehead... "BILL! WHAT DO YOU WANT THIS TIME?!"

So that the uninitiated are up to speed, everyone's favourite triangular demon has been a bit bored in the Dreamscape of late, and has decided to torment poor ol' Dip Dop for his own amusement. The lad can't shut his eyes without being forced into some bizarre situation, perpetuated by Dorito Head. You'd think an all-powerful , world-conquering, super being would have something better to do with their time than to torture an innocent child... But apparently not. Oh, well.

" PINE TREE! AT LEAST SHOW ME SOME GRATITUDE! I SAVED YOU FROM A FATE WORST THAN FINISHING LAST PLACE IN AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL!" The glowing yellow isosceles made his presence known, twirling his cane as if leading a parade. " THE LEAST YOU CAN DO IS START KISSING MY FEET!" At this point, Bill decided to morph into a one-eyed, giant milipede clad in many shoes, each one expectantly held out in front of Dipper, as if the kid was about to get busy with his tongue.

Dipper turned away in disgust. "No thanks... I bet it was YOU who put me in that predicament in the first place! Why can't you give me NICE dreams for a change... Like, being the King of Muscle Beach" (he imagined his tiny head on a massive body rippling with pecs, and posing in a thong while a crowd of blonde bimbettes went crazy)..." Or, where I'm a world famous archeologist..." (he thought up a scenario where he was pursued by a giant rolling boulder while holding a priceless artefact. He JUST managed to slide under the closing door in time... Grabbing his cap off the ground along the way, after it had fallen off).

"THAT'S EXACTLY WHY I'M HERE PINE TREE... BELIEVE IT OR NOT, I WANT TO HELP YOU!" Bill turned back to his usual 'charming' self, and levitated above his favourite victim.

Rolling his eyes at what he knew to be a lie, Dipper scoffed, "Well, there's a first time for everything I guess. So, what else is on the agenda for tonight... Are you going to transform me into a squirrel again, and have McGucket chase after me with a knife and fork all over town? Or perhaps Toby Determined's pencil... Did I ever tell you what a PLEASURE it was being bitten and sucked by him for an entire evening? Come on, I'm waiting" The pre-teen sat down on nothing and crossed his arms, in expectation.

"OH, PINE TREE, ONCE AGAIN YOU'VE GOT ME ALL WRONG! THOSE WERE JUST TESTS FOR YOU... TO SEE IF YOU WERE WORTHY OF MY FAVOUR!" Bill floated so close to Dipper, his yellow luminescence almost made the Pines boy wish he had shades. "AND GUESS WHAT... YOU PASSED WITH FLYING COLOURS! YOU SEE, THE WAY I FIGURE IT, EVEN A NERDLINGER LIKE YOU NEEDS A LUCKY BREAK ONCE IN A WHILE! AND HERE, TONIGHT, I'M GONNA AID YOU...

*Pause for breath, Dipper scratches the back of his head nervously*

"... WITH YOUR LOVE LIFE!"

In the blink of an eye, Dipper found himself clad in the tuxedo he wore the night of the Northwest party... Tight collar, and all. He was seated on a stool, and there in front of him were six booths, each one covered by a solid, non see-through screen. The decor of the room he was in can only be described as 'yellow and gold', and it resembled a TV studio with all the cameras set up (manned by triangular Bill lookalikes, he noticed), and a live audience...

The live audience... Oh, no! They were all Gravity Falls residents, each one forcibly caught up in Bill's madness, all looking VERY confused, and each one clad in what they'd gone to bed in that evening. Which for some... Who'd decided to go au naturelle, was a MAJOR problem.

Glancing around the faces present, Dipper spotted Stanley (wearing a filthy vest, and a pair of unflattering boxers) Stanford (Who still had on his regular day outfit... That man ALWAYS fell asleep on his desk while studying into the wee hours) and hosts of others that he knew... Lazy Susan's nightgown was covered in cat hairs... Manly Dan was wearing Sev'ral Timez pyjamas (probably the biggest size they had in stock) and Sheriff Blubs with Deputy Durland... Well, this was interesting. What was with all the leather... Why was the sheriff holding a whip... And that gag in Durland's mou...

Suddenly Dipper's attention was diverted to the stage, where a number of spotlights were shining on the same place. Out of nowhere, a cheesy announcer started talking, "YES FOLKS, HERE WE ALL ARE, FOR ONE NIGHT ONLY, LIVE FROM THE DREAMSCAPE, TO HELP A TROUBLED YOUNG MAN OUT OF A PICKLE! HE'S WEEDY, HE'S NEEDY, HE'S PROBABLY A BIT SEEDY! BUT I'M HERE TO PROVE, THAT'S THERE'S SOMEONE THERE FOR EVERYONE... EVEN THE MOST PATHETIC, HOPELESS SPECIMENS! SO, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, BOYS AND GIRLS, RACCOONS AND PIGS, GET READY TO PLAY... PPPPPINES DATE! AND HERE IS YOUR HOST... YOUR FUTURE OPPRESSOR, TYRANNICAL RULER, ALL ROUND LOVABLE GUY... BUT YOU CAN CALL HIM... BILLLLLLL!

Some canned applause could be heard (The citizens of Gravity Falls were WAY too nonplussed to start clapping at this juncture) and it was like a smoke canister went off, as a Wily Wonka type figure emerged from the fog... Top hat, messy blonde hair, eyepatch, wielding a cane, dressed VERY flamboyantly. "Well, hello there, everyone, Sorry I've disturbed you all from your slumbers... But I'm afraid this simply cannot wait. For quite a while now, I've been egging my good friend Pine Tree here to find love this summer, to stop him from from doing nothing but mope around with that musty journal, miserable, like the nerd he is. But all my efforts have been for naught. He doesn't even appreciate the fun'n'games I set up for him every evening in his dreams!" (Bill put on a look of mock offence)

"So, today, I'm taking matters into my OWN hands. Behind each one of those panels"( Bill gestured to the booths in front of Dipper) "Is a LOVELY lady, who've all shared personal experiences with the Dipmeister in some way this summer. He'll get to interview each one from behind the screen, and we've disguised each one's voice so he won't know who's who. Each contestant will get to answer three questions, and they have to provide the best replies to prove they're the ideal person for our geek in shining armour. And by the time the show is over... We will have the perfect girl for Dipper here. After all, this is Pines Date, where..."

At this point, some neon letters lit up in the sky just above the crowd, spelling out *WHERE LOVE IS THE NAME OF THE GAME*. Bill paused expectantly.

No-one said anything. They were either too p*ssed off having their souls dragged from their beds without permission for a tacky gameshow, or still wondering if this was a result of having too many Bicardi Breezers the night before.

Bill frowned at the lack of audience participation, and pressed a little button on his stick.

ZAP! Everyone, in their seats got a little electric shock where they sat, and they quickly realised the insane dream demon was NOT someone to be trifled with.

So, as one, they duly chanted "WHERE LOVE IS THE NAME OF THE GAME".

Bill grinned. "That's better. And now, let's start things off by hearing briefly from each of our participants. They'll each be allowed ten seconds to introduce themselves (Without mentioning their names, of course) before we start off with the first question. So, you lucky, lucky ladies... Please give us your opening statements!

BOOTH No 1: "What is happening here? I was watching late night marathon of Full Mental Alchemist, and..."

BOOTH No 2: "Huh? Where am I? I only went downstairs to get a late night snack. MARIUS, HEL..."

BOOTH 3: "WHO IS DOING THIS?! DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM?! I WILL SUE YOU! I WILL SUE..."

BOOTH 4: "WHOA! THIS IS A WEIRD DREAM! I better cut out the sugar, before I go to be...

BOOTH 5: "Hey, this booth isn't so big. Perhaps, if I can jump up high enough, I can...

BOOTH 6: "Oh Dipper, I cannot WAIT to meet you! We're going to have lots of babies together, and...

"OKAY, TIME IS UP!" Bill announced, cutting off each disguised voice as the limit was reached. And now, the first question..."

Dipper, sitting on that stool, with everyone staring at him, had never felt so uncomfortable. And this time... It wasn't due to a too-tight collar.


	2. Chapter 2

"Anndd... The first question is... " Bill shot a look at Dipper, as the crowd continued to wonder just what the hell was going on.

Feeling all those eyes bore into him, the pre-teen squirmed on his leather stool. Out of all the horrendous situations the dream demon had implanted him into, this was by far the most nerve wracking... And this was Bill's idea of a FAVOUR?!

He was abruptly brough back to Earth with a cuff round the head from the host's stick. "OW!" Dipper rubbed his lobe, and scowled at Bill, who had begun to approach him while glancing back at those watching from their seats.

"Come on kid, don't freeze on me now! This is your one big shot! And, besides... YOU'RE RUINING MY BIG BREAK INTO SHOWBUSINESS!" Bill suddenly started whispering to the boy. "Unless... You have someone ELSE in mind you'd like to go out with... Someone who isn't behind one of those booths..."

Suddenly, Dipper felt a (forked) tongue licking his hearing organ, and a seductive hand slowly working it's way up his thigh. The younger Mystery Twin froze in shock at the triangle-turned-human's chutzpah, and could only say "GA GA GA GA GA..." as Bill massaged the lad's ear with his mouth... While the dream demon's fingers inexorably made their way to their intimate destination...

"Just say the word, and I'll send these losers home , Pine Tree." Bill's words sounded as soft as freshly melted ice cream "Then you and I can have a more 'private' session... Just the two of us, alone, in the Dreamscape... Doing whatever we want..." Dipper started to relent, it all felt so right. "We can kiss... Cuddle... Stick forks in each other..."

"NNOOOOO!" The pre-teen pushed off the dream demon after hearing that last part. What HAD he been thinking?! This was a homicidal creature of destruction he was dealing with... Not a potential romantic interest. Besides, Bill was FAR too old for him (By a few millenia at LEAST) and Dipper was not a masochist. At least... he THOUGHT so. So, why was there a bit of hesitation there? OF COURSE! It was this place... Screwing with his head... Yeah, that was it...

The host frowned at Dipper's rejection. "Huh. YOU'RE no fun. I wasn't really interested, anyway. I was purely testing your sexuality, to see if you were valid for my show or not. Congratulations, you passed the FINAL, FINAL test. Now, I'll just disperse this barrier..." The kid looked up, and for the first time noticed that Bill's attempted seduction had gone unnoticed by those in attendence, since for the last few minutes the pair had been encapsulated by a yellow forcefield that protected them from prying eyes.

"Just to avoid any lawsuits... No witnesses, you see." Bill winked at a horrified Dipper.

"SORRY FOLKS, TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES!" The host trumpeted to those forced to watch "BUT WE'RE BACK! Now, Dipper Pines if you would, ask away! Those lovely ladies aren't getting any younger, you know... If you take too long... They might start to be out of season, and how are we supposed to have any Dipper Jnrs running around if that happens?!" This earned a laugh from a few audience members/hostages, who figured: As they were inescapably detained anyway, they might as well TRY and enjoy themselves.

If Dipper had been skittish before, he was practically on the verge of fainting now. Between his relocation to this imaginary Bachelorette-inspired nightmare, to Bill's attempted molestation of his person, he was about ready to kiss the floor, not one of those anonymous females. But, being a born tryer, he frantically searched his panicking brain for SOMETHING, ANYTHING...

Then, he hit upon an idea. It was a question Mabel had posed, many a time on the sheets of paper she handed out to random visitors to the Mystery Shack (or, more specifically, young, male and cute ones). The forms were SUPPOSED to be enquiring guests about how to improve the shack ('Condemn it' Dipper had thought with a smile at the time ) and Mabel had very kindly offered to have them printed out for Grunkle Stan... Little suspecting, of course, his cunning niece was planning to use them in a nefarious plot to snare Mr Perfect.

And the question was...

"What would you say is your best feature?"

At this, the crowd (Who were slowly but surely getting into the spirit of things) audibly groaned ("YOU WUSS!" Dipper swore he heard his Grunkle shout) and Bill facepalmed with his free hand. "Gee, never heard THAT one before, Pine Tree." said the dream demon... To laughter from the audience. "Oh, well... If THAT'S the best you've got... Go on ladies, tell us... What 'Is your best feature?' " Bill mimiced those last four words in exactly the same manner as Dipper. MORE laughter from the audience. The boy frowned.

WHEN did these idiots forget that they were being held prisoner by an evil, megalomaniacal triangle?!

Regardless, the speakers inside the booths were turned back on... And now it was time to hear what the 'lovely contestants' had to say for themselves:

BOOTH 1: "I can speak four languages (including Klingon), attach devices to my person to make a super-cyborg-girl, and, in a bad light, am the spitting image of Phoebe from Hey Arnold!"

(Bill murmured to Dipper "That last one's debatable") "OKAY, THANK YOU! ON TO THE NEXT ONE!"

BOOTH 2: "Let me see now... Err... I can talk to all reptiles (except dinosaurs), Can eat a hundred doughnuts in less than a minute, and can underarm fart the American national anthem. Here, I'll demonstrate... PARP PARP PARP..."

"THANK YOU DEAR, MAYBE LATER!" Bill seemed determined to move on swiftly (" How patriotic! She sounds like a keeper!" He remarked to Dipper).

BOOTH 3: "HA! What a stupid question! I can get anyone to do my bidding, I can own whatever I want, I can go wherever I want to go... What ISN'T my best feature is what you should be asking..."

Bill suddenly lost patience with booth three, and magically made a piece of paper appear in his hand. "OH I'M SORRY, NUMBER 3... I JUST REALISED WE HAVE A SPECIAL VERSION OF THAT QUESTION JUST FOR YOU!" He read. "WHAT I MEANT TO SAY FOR NOMBRE TROIS WAS: 'WHAT IS YOUR BEST FEATURE... THAT IS NOT MONEY RELATED?!"

BOOTH 3: "What?! YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME! I'LL TELL MY DA... Actually, no he wouldn't listen to me, after what I just did. Err... Well... I'm pretty good at mini golf... And my hair's very long... And... Can you come back to me in a moment, please?

"NO, YOU HAD YOUR MOMENT AND YOU MESSED IT UP! ON WE GO!" Bill abruptly cut her off in her prime, again telling Dipper covertly "Not that I mean to influence your decision, but would you REALLY want a snob like that bossing you around?! You'd be even LESS of a man than you are at the moment." Before Dipper could protest, the show continued.

BOOTH 4: Well, yeah. I like glitter, smiles, happy thoughts, garish clothes, sunshine, and kittens with mittens. But, listen Dipper... As much as I like you... I can't go out with you, because... Jeez, this is awkward... How can I put this... (Let him down gently)... Here goes... *DEEP BREATH*... I'm your...

"WHOOPS!" Interrupted Bill. "DON'T WANNA RUIN THE SURPRISE NOW! LET'S HEAR IT FOR HIPPY... I MEAN, CONTESTANT NUMBER FOUR!" Dipper was having trouble keeping up with everything. But, now it was time for...

BOOTH 5: "Oh, I HATE these type of shows... My dad's the real fan of them. But anything that'll get me out of here faster... I enjoy climbing, plaid, chopping down big trees, breaking into disused convenience stores and stealing police cars. Now, if you don't mind releasing me, I have to meet my parole officer at..."

" I THINK THAT'S ENOUGH FROM NUMBER 5!" Said an agitated Bill ("Well, Pine Tree, you certainly can pick 'em" he whispered to Dipper on the sly) "LET'S SEE IF OUR LAST LADY CAN DO ANY BETTER..."

BOOTH 6: "OH DIPPER! DIPPER, MY SWEET! WHY ARE YOU EVEN CONSIDERING THE OTHERS, WHEN I'M CLEARLY THE GIRL FOR YOU! FORGET THOSE OTHER HUSSIES, AND I'LL SHOW YOU WHAT A REAL WOMAN CAN DO! DO YOU WANT ME TO BEG, DIPPER? COS I'LL BEG, DIPPER! I'LL BEG FOR YOU! PLEASE, MY BIG DIPPER, MY STRAWBERRY DIP, MY LUCKY DIP, BE MINE! PLE..."

"Er, and that was booth number six" said Bill, only mildly disturbed after all that. ("It says a lot about YOU, Pine Tree, that she sounded the most sane of them all" he said to Dipper, privately.) " And now, before we move onto the next question, I have a special treat for you all..."

"FREE DRINKS?" Someone shouted. "No" replied Bill, bluntly, as the heckler was given another dose of electricity running into his seat.

"Thanks to the wonders of modern technology, I have here the latest advancement in accurate audience approval ratings... THE CLAPOMETER!" Bill stood to one side, as two of his 'sexy' assistants (who looked just like him in his triangle form, minus the long eyelashes) floated a device onto the stage covered in a blanket, which was quickly removed by the host, to reveal a long, yellow, thin ruler-like machine, with numbers 0-10 marked clearly on it.

"Go on, don't lie... YOU'RE IMPRESSED, AREN'T YOU?!" Bill clearly expected those watching to be awed by this 'cutting edge' device. Instead, he was greeted with yawns and eye-rolls.

" CLAPOMETERS?! We had them around in the 70's! " That was Lazy Susan, stifling a giggle.

"YES! I REMEMBER THEM! AND THAT'S SAYING SOMETHING... BECAUSE I CAN'T REMEMBER MUCH ELSE!" Toby Determined stammered, trying to cover up the pink tutu he'd gone to bed in.

"UGH UGH UGH UGH". Spluttered Deputy Durland, still with that 'thing' in his mouth. Dipper wondered about that...

Taken aback by the distinctly unimpressed response to what he clearly though was a modern miracle, Bill's affable demeanor quickly became more and more strained "WELL 'SCUSE ME FOR NOT KNOWING WHAT'S HOT AND WHAT'S NOT AT THE MOMENT! I WAS TRAPPED IN ANOTHER DIMENSION FOR YEARS AND YEARS, SO OF COURSE I HAVE NO EXCUSE AT ALL FOR NOT PICKING UP ON THE LATEST TRENDS! YOU COULD AT LEAST GIVE ME SOME ENCOURAGEMENT YA KNOW... I AM TRYING!"

At this point, Bill had uncontrollably set himself on fire, and had grown in height to twenty foot, while his voice got louder and louder. And he was only getting bigger, and noisier too. Realising the danger they were in, the crowd screamed and tried to make a run for it... But of course, Bill had thought of that... And they were securely glued to their seats. It seemed for sure, they were all doomed...

Then, Stanley happened to glance at Dipper, who was gesticulating wildly from behind Bill, with his hands. The pre-teen was doing a clapping... And sucking motion. Clapping, and sucking. "What is my weird nephew up to?!" the more studious of the Pines elder twins said to himself. Then, it all clicked.

"Oh Bill, we are all SO sorry! We DO appreciate you, we LOVE your machine, and we are SO grateful you abducted our souls tonight so we could watch this WONDERFUL show!" That was Stanley, before he stood up and launched into furious applause. Seeing this, Bill stopped growing for a second... And the flames around him, which threatened to engulf everyone, flickered a little.

The rest of those about to be barbecued looked at Stanley... Then, at Bill... Then, at Stanley, before finally twigging what they had to do themselves. Together, as one unit, they launched into a standing ovation... and saying, in soothing tones, how much they valued the dream demon... How majestic he looked in his top hat... How adorable his little bow tie was... And even, how having one eye was THE fad of the future. "WHO NEEDS PERIPHERAL VISION, ANYWAY!" They hollered.

With each compliment, Bill shrunk just a little, and his heat got less and less intense... Until, just as it seemed that the people had run out of niceties (Even going as far as to say the name Bill reminded them of toucans... AND THEY LOVED TOUCANS!) he reverted back to his original size, and temperature. Forget about music soothing the savage beast, flattery was clearly FAR more effective.

"Thank you all for your kind words!" He grinned, scanning the exhausted onlookers." I KNEW you were all just joking before. But, let's have less of that... I'M the one around here that tells the wisecracks!" And saying that, he went on to explain to the ready-to-drop audience how his Clapometer worked (As if they didn't know).

"Basically, I read out the number of the booth, and you lovely people put your hands together if you liked 'em, and keep them by your sides if you didn't. My machine will calculate, based on the volume and number of people clapping, a score between 0 and 10, and will display that here (he pointed to the numbers carved into the device). So, we get to see who's doing the best so far with the public... But, remember, the final decision, is Dipper's... Because this is Pines Date... Where..."

The neon letters didn't even have to light up this time before the crowd yelled out in unison "WHERE LOVE IS THE NAME OF THE GAME ". On top of everything else, they didn't wanted to be fried where they sat.

"You see, I told you you'd get the hang of it!" Bill smirked, while Dipper just wanted it all to be over. "Now... get those hands ready... And GO!

BOOTH 1... A moderate splattering of applause... You mean, obsessively watching Star Trek ISN'T a laudable trait?!... 5/10

BOOTH 2... The arena is almost silent...If only she'd learnt Tyrannosaur... 2/10

BOOTH 3... Again, very quiet... Apart from a certain Great Uncle who wants his nephew to marry wealthy... 5/10 (two points from one person alone)

BOOTH 4... This is more like it... EVERYONE loves a jolly person... Or, they were just intrigued by the 'surprise'. Either way, the house is brought down... 8/10

BOOTH 5:... A pretty good reaction, all things considered. There must be a few Amazon chasers there today. 6/10

BOOTH 6... You could hear a cricket chirping. NO-ONE likes a creepy creeper. Sheesh. 0/10

"Oh, don't worry number six, I'm sure you'll do better next time... Just try to tone it down a little..." Bill said as the results were announced ("Don't worry, kid. I have the Dream Police on stand-by if it all goes pear shaped." The host told Dipper in secret). "And nnoowww... Question two... But first, a commercial break!"

"OH, NO!" Thought Dipper, ready to throttle himself with his own collar there and then... "IF THE MAIN PROGRAMME IS THIS CRAZY, THEN WHO KNOWS WHAT THE ADVERTS ARE GOING TO BE LIKE..."

"This is Bill's brand Toblerone..."


	3. Chapter 3

"...SO, BUY BILL BRAND DORITOS! JUST LIKE REGULAR DORITOS... EXCEPT, ONE BITE, AND THEY'LL KILL YOU!"

"Aaannd welcome back everyone watching at home." Bill threw his cane in the air, before catching it with his mouth (UGH, HYGIENE). "This show is going out coast to coast over fifty different dimensions, from the Planet Of The Nasty Squishy Things, to the World Of Walking, Talking Verrucas. We're here, on this fine evening to celebrate the life of one Drippy Pi..."

"WILL YOU CALL ME BY MY REAL NICKNAME! " The honourable Dipper Pines was not best pleased." IT'S BAD ENOUGH YOU DRAG ME OUT HERE TO HUMILIATE ME IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE TOWN, ALMOST SEDUCE ME INTO BECOMING YOUR SEXUAL PLAYTHING, MAKE ME CHOOSE BETWEEN SIX WEIRD GIRLS TO TAKE HOME AS MY DATE AND FORCE ME TO STARE AT MCGUCKET IN THE BUFF! YOU COULD AT LEAST GET MY NAME RIGHT!"

It would be safe to say the little seedling was not a happy bunny, bless his little cotton socks. The vein in his forehead was pumping a hundred times a second, and he was growling like a constipated bear in the woods. In fact, just like Eminem, he was just about to Lose It... Which MIGHT have been slightly scary, if it wasn't for the fact that...

This was Dipper we're talking about here, not He-Man or even a Ken doll, so instead of recoiling in fear from his fearful outburst, the crowd gave into his cuteness and let out an audible AAAAWWWW!

If Mabel were here, she'd be pushing her cheeks together and pulling the widest grin since The Grinch did when he stole Christmas. Or, maybe she is. You'll just have to wait & SSEEEEE...

"STOP IT, STOP IT! I'M THE MANLIEST OF MEN... EVEN THE MANOTAURS SAID SO!" Dipper was so desperate to restore some of his lost pride, he even got off his stool and started flexing his lickle muscles.

Sadly, for him at least, this just exacerbated the adorability factor a thousand fold, and some of the more elderly ladies seated in the back were chomping at the bit to give this cherubic whippersnapper a hug. Alas, those watching were still stuck to their chairs like chewing gum on a cinema's floor... I told you that, last chapter? Remember: sometimes, it's the littlest details that are the most important.

Realising that this not-so-impressive feat of power was conjuring up a storm of "ISN'T HE PRECIOUS?", rather than intimidation, the tux-clad Pines boy decided to try one last trick to show off his manhood to the captive fans (And when I say captive, I do mean it.)

Time to bring out the big guns.

He was going to...

DO TEN PUSH UPS!

He got down on his hands and knees...

And watched by a bemused crowd

With a worryingly turned-on Bill (ugh) commentating:

Dipper started the countdown...

1...2...

"Lookin' good!"

3...4...

"Workin' up a sweat now!"

5...6...

"Getting into the rhymth..."

7...8...

"YEAH! YOU GOT THEM IN THE PALM OF YOUR HAND, BABY!"

9...

"THERE'S NO STOPPING HIM NOW, FOLKS"...

RIP.

"Hang on..."

"Since when did 'RIP' come after '9'?!"

"Maths has certainly changed a lot since I was a wee demon..."

"Wait..."

"That was no number..."

"That was the sound..."

"Of a pair of VERY tight pants..."

"Tearing in two, from over-exertion..."

"And, no prizes for guessing who they belong to..."

"That's right..."

"Mr accident prone himself."

"And what a nice shade of red he's turned!"

"Just the right hue I want to paint my bathroom."

"Hold it, Dip me boy..."

"Pose for a photograph..."

"SMILE!"

*CLICK!*

"HEY! Don't hide those BABBA boxer shorts!"

"They look GREAT on you."

"Honest..."

Bill finished mocking the clearly mortified pre-teen on the stage, and decided to try and get things back on track before word of the 'beefcake' and his feebleness got back to the girlies waiting behind the booths...And then, Dipstick would be left with NOTHING but six empty chairs.

Worst of all, the demonic triangle's crack at the big time would be ruined, RUINED forever. He'd just heard on the grapevine that Jennifer Lopez was leaving American Idol that season... Something to do with 'colonic irrigation'... And HE WANTED THAT SPOT. He'd do anything to get it... Beg, plead, cry...

Though, he drew the line at sleeping with Ben Affleck.

Snapping out of his revelry, Bill closed in on Dipper (desperately trying to hold together what was left of his flimsy trousers) and bopped him on the head again with his staff... To give him a nice little lump to grow alongside the first one.

"Come on DRIPPY Pines!" (The humanised isosceles made sure to emphasise that third word)" We've got two more questions to get through, so no more mucking around on stage with your comedy act, please. I know some ladies like a man with a sense of humour, but this is pushing it a bit too far... wouldn't you say?!"

Unable to argue with the new pronounciation of his first name now after his attempts at being the next Mr Universe spectacularly backfired, Dipper nevertheless had a new problem. "Err... Bill... I can't exactly show myself... In front of all these people... Like this..." He gestured at the tattered rags, which used to form his pants.

"OH, IS THAT ALL, PINE TREE?! You've got nothing to worry about... You've got nowt I haven't seen before..." Bill's eyes suddenly turned green, as his magical X-ray vision was turned on. ."Although, I must say, I ain't seen one THAT small in quite some time..." Dipper cringed for about the millionth time that night, and tried to turn away from the nosy triangle's intrusive gaze.

Let's just say, in the boys changing rooms at school, he wasn't exactly known as The Little Dipper'. for nothing...

"Come on then, I'll help you..." Bill rolled his eyes, before quickly, and with no warning whatsoever, grabbed Dipper and deposited the frantically struggling boy on his lap. A yellow armchair had materalised from nowhere (it had to fit in with the colour scheme of the studio, of course) and the obnoxious magical host had sat down on it... with Dip's rump positioned between Bill's legs.

"WHA... WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" Dipper was completely mollified at this turn of events, and tried, without any success, to go upright again. All Bill had to do was tap the base of the cap-wearers spine, and Dipper's whole body just flopped dead like a fish out of water, and he became as helpless as a paraplegic. The only part of his nervous system Dipper now had control of was from the neck up.

"There, that's settled you down!" Bill smiled at the limp figure on his lap "Don't worry, I'm not going to give you a SPANKING or anything! That is... Unless you want me too..." The triangle-turned-human grabbed Dipper's left ear and whispered... "Have you reconsidered my offer, perchance?" Giving it a slight nibble in the process.

"NNOOOO, never. Just... Get on with whatever it is you're doing. The sooner I'm back home, researching the journals, to find a way to destroy YOU, the better!" Dipper desperately jerked his head out of the maniac's amorous grasp.

Just think... Things were pretty normal before this summer...

"Tch, you're no fun. Nothing but an old stick-in-the-mud. Oh well, let's repair those pants shall we?" Using his mystical powers to conjure up a needle and yellow thread, Bill proceeded to start to mend Dipper's clothing expertly, all the time humming a very annoying tune... The theme to a VERY popular show about a dork and his friends who solve mysteries together. Can you guess what it was?

It was, obviously...

STEVEN UNIVERSE!

Easy, no?

In the middle of the activity of stitching the pre-teen's shredded rags (and poking his posterior a few times with his needle... A complete accident, of course) Bill suddenly remembered... THE AUDIENCE! They must be getting kinda restless by now... After all, they didn't come to see 'Darning With Bill' that night...

So, just for a moment, the triangle-turned-tailor looked up and grinned at the slowly-losing-the-will-to-live attendees, who had taken to counting their belly button lint or holding a competition to see who had the hairiest legs in an effort to stave off boredom.

(For the record, Lazy Susan won)

"SORRY ABOUT THIS UNSCHEDULED INTERRUPTION FOLKS!" Bill informed them. "BUT WE MUST MAKE OUR GEEKAZOID HERE PRESENTABLE FOR THE MADAMS! AS A SPECIAL TREAT FOR ALL OF YOU FOR BEING SUCH UNDERSTANDING INDIVIDUALS, A LITTLE SIDESHOW TO ENJOY...THE BILL AND BILLETTE DANCERS!"

The lights switched from Bill and his unamused charge, to a central part of the studio... Where the lights were dimmed... and a small child triangle was looking through a book of shapes. A female, larger triangle was with him, comforting the kid who was in tears.

"BUT MOM, I DON'T WANNA BE A TRIANGLE NO MORE! ALL THE CHILDREN AT SCHOOL LAUGH AT ME!" The infant sobbed.

"Billy, don't you know? Triangles are the best shape there is... In fact I've bought some friends along today to tell you why!" The woman triangle ruffled the kid's non-existant hair.

"Why do you mean?" The young triangle sniffled.

DA-DA-DA-DA-DA...

The music started. The spotlights turned gold. Lots of female and male triangles ran out from behind the scenes, wearing various costumes of other shapes. Then, there was singing.

Yes, really.

"SQUARES ARE SO SQUARE THEY'RE BARELY EVEN THERE..."

"CIRCLES ARE SO ROUND THEY'RE BOUND NOT TO BE SOUND..."

"DON'T FUSS WITH A RHOMBUS, IT'LL ONLY MAKE YOU CUSS..."

"BUT TRY...TRY...TRY"

"YOU CAN NEVER BEAT A..."

"TRIANGLE!"

Just before the beatboxer comes out, and the break-dancing begins...

The camera flips back to reveal those seated, who are observing this death of the arts with horrified fascination...

Bill looks up from his sowing, to stare at YOU, the reader.

Yes, it's fourth-wall breaking time.

CRUMBLE.

"Sorry we weren't able to squeeze Drippy's question into chapter three, but this cheap cloth just won't mend itself! I promise, as soon as my haberdashery is done, and our 'charming' contestant is in one piece, we'll be back... LATER! Or, tomorrow on )! For now, just go and read other fics... I recommend the many brilliant stories written by my good friend Anxresi... Who's real name... Like Pine Tree here..."

"OW!" Dipper was stabbed by a sudden thrust of the needle.

"SHALL REMAIN A MYSTERY! MWHAHAHAHA! *Bill laughter fades, as the chapter closes.*

(Don't worry about the six girls... They're frozen between rounds. More victims of Bill's sorcery. Heh-heh.)


	4. Chapter 4

"Hheellooo... And welcome back, one and all, to Pines Date!" Said Bill, as he gracefully bowed in front of the crowd, who had just witnessed one of the worst musical numbers in history.

It had been even more of a disaster than 'Springtime For Hitler'.

"Now, ready to ask his second question to all these lovely ladies, who I shall now release from the deep freeze, is DIPPER PINES! WOO HOO!" Bill clapped as Dipper made his way back to his own personal stool... Complete, with freshly mended trousers.

Wanting to get credit for his good work, The triangle-turned-human sidled over to the boy and pulled at the fabric. "LOOK AT THIS THREADWORK, PEOPLE. This is a truly professional job. Why, I doubt even Garak could do as well as me..."

"GET ON WITH THE SHOW, POINTY!" Grunkle Stan was not amused.

"YEAH! I HAVE TO GET UP EARLY TO FELL A 200 FOOT REDWOOD!" Manly Dan chimed in.

" I OPEN THE CAFE AT 5 A.M FOR ALL THE EARLY CUSTOMERS!" Lazy Susan was feeling less lazy than usual.

" AND I HAVE LOTS TO DO TOO!" Swore Toby Determined, which earned him a few strange looks from those seated around him.

"Like what?" Enquired Sheriff Blubs, who was the only lawman around who didn't have something in his mouth stopping him from speaking.

Toby looked around at all the expectant faces... Before finally putting his head in his hands in defeat.

"STARE IN THE MIRROR... AND CRY!" He confessed.

"Oh, yeah..." "That makes sense..." "Yeah, we can believe that..." The assorted voices around him seemed to agree.

"ENOUGH!" Bill pressed the button on his staff again, giving everyone there a short jolt. "I TELL THE JOKES AROUND HERE... IF YOU WANT TO BE FUNNY... YOU BECOME AN MIGHTY OMNIPOTENT DREAM DEMON... AND YOU MAGICALLY SUMMON AN AUDIENCE AND A STUDIO TO MAKE YOUR OWN GAME SHOW! CAN ANY OF YOU DO THAT?!"

*Complete Silence. Apart from a cricket chirping. Then, the CRUNCH of someone treading on it.*

"No? DIDN'T THINK SO! By the way... If there are any talent scouts here today, please forgive me for the occasional electic shocks you might experience. It's all part of my act, y'see... And you wouldn't watch me to compromise myself for the sake of the mainstream, would you?" Bill looked around, a few beads of sweat visible on his yellow skin.

"OH, WHO AM I KIDDING. AS IF ANY AGENTS FROM HOLLYWOOD WOULD BOTHER LOOKING FOR THE NEXT BIG THING IN A TINY, PROVINCIAL DUMP LIKE GRAVITY FALLS." The manical host shook his head. "ON WITH THE SHOW, AND AS FOR YOU..."

"What?" Said Dipper, who was twisting around on his stool (You should try it sometime. IT'S FUN!)

"STOP BEING SO CUTE! IT'S VERY DISTRACTING!" Bill growled. He refused to be upstaged by a nerdy plant.

"Eerr... Okay". The capped one complied. It's not like he was TRYING to be. It was... Just a natural thing, he guessed.

"GOOD! NOW, LET'S HAVE THE SECOND QUESTION! NO MORE DELAYS." (Bill started taking deep breathes...'Don't set up a seventh cubicle and put yourself in it... Don't set up a seventh cubicle and put yourself in it...')

"Right!" Dipper had had plenty of time to think about this... And he was sure, this one was a doozie. "Er... What do you most like about me?"

As the girls were freed from hibernation, and Bill grimaced at his lost opportunity, the answers started arriving thick and fast...

BOOTH NO 1. " I like the way you sneeze like a kitten, the way you held me when we were scared together at Summerween, and that secret little stash of Hentai you keep..."

"ENOUGH, ENOUGH! ABORT, ABORT!" This time it was Dipper who interrupted the answer. "Er, I mean... Thank you very much, number one... I do like a girl with a sense of humour... Heh, heh...Can we have Booth 2 please, Bill? QUICKLY?!"

"Sure thing, Mr Loli..." Bill gave him a wink, and a snigger. "I do hope your parents aren't watching this..."

BOOTH NO 2 "Er... I like watching Ducktective with you... And your fridge has some pretty cool stuff... Hey, do you like to wrestle? I could show you a few of my moves..."

"Okay, I think that's enough from Number Two for now..." Bill mused. "I'm not sure poor Pine Tree here would be able to survive such a rambunctious female... I mean, I've seen beaches with bigger mussels (muscles) than these". He pointed at Dipper's little noodle arms, earning himself a frown from the pre-teen, but laughter from the audience.

"You liked that, huh?" The host said, revelling in the attention.

(Secretly, though... He was thinking "Ah, how we hurt the ones we love).

BOOTH 3. Well, you were brave in saving me from an evil spirit I guess, and you did enable me to stand up against my tyrannical parents by allowing me to be my own person. On the other hand, I WAS grounded for a bazillion years because of you, so...I don't know..."

"Oh, the rich... As indecisive as ever" sighed Bill. "It must be a real puzzler... Having to decide if you want to take a bath in banknotes, or gold coins every day..." Again, there was a smattering of giggles from various corners of the studio.

"Gee, I sure am on fire today!" the triangle-turned-human smiled, which made the audience fear he was going to do a repeat of his earlier act by nearly setting the place ablaze with his unstoppable wrath.

Fortunately, that wasn't the case. It was just an expression. Duh.

BOOTH 4; "What DON'T I like about you, Dipper? We do everything together. Sometimes we argue, sometimes we fight... But we always end up stronger because of it. I've known you all my life. In fact, you could almost say I was your..."

"Let's pretend this is an Shalamayan movie, and save the spoilers till the end... Shall we?" Bill quipped. "Still, that was very touching... It reminds me of the mother I never met... In fact, I think I'm about to..."

Then, it happened. The most evil shape in the world. The demon who would enslave us all, given the chance. The scariest quiz show host since Anne Robinson . Burst. Into. Tears.

He started spraying water everywhere, like an out of control giant sprinkler. Instead of being burnt like the last time Bill had one of his 'episodes' though, now everyone was soaking wet.

Dipper realised he had to do SOMETHING. He got up off his stool, and put a hand on Bill's shoulder.

"Er... It's okay, man... We all get upset sometimes. I mean, look at me. You've dragged me out here against my will... Publicly humiliated me in front of everyone... And yet, you don't see me sobbing, do you? Come on, be a ma... Mutant Triangle, and try to be happy for me, pur-lease?"

Bill immediately turned the waterworks off, listening to that heartfelt speech. He turned to Dipper, who was giving the tearful host a sympathetic look.

Bill looked touched. He smiled at the pre-teen, and said nicely...

"Fooled you, didn't I?"

"What?!" Dipper looked confused.

" I don't HAVE a mother, graffiti-head!" Bill gave the boy a bash with his stick." I was created by the Dreamscape... To RULE the Dreamscape... What, you think floating triangles can procreate?! And exactly how do you think we do that... Hmm... Mr Biology Expert?"

"Uuummm I just thought... You were..." Dipper stammered, rubbing his temple.

"Well, you thought WRONG then, didn't you, Pine Tree. That was just another little routine of mine... And you FELL for it... Hook, line, and stinker. HA HA HA!" Bill laughed uproarously, while the younger Mystery Twin just frowned.

No way he was ever going to feel sorry for HIM again.

BOOTH 5 "Well, Dipper... I guess, we both have the same great taste in awful movies. And I love the way you can never keep a secret. Why, just the other day... I heard you mumbling to yourself... "If I ever see that lousy Doritohead again, I'll"...

" SSHHHH!" Dipper instinctively put his finger on his lips, as the LAST person he wanted to hear that little titbit of imformation listened with interest. " What I actually said was, 'If I ever see that lousy Doritohead again, I'll... Tell him he ISN'T so lousy... And then we can be the best of friends'!"

Bill looked at the pre-teen with a warm smile. "PINE TREE! D'ya really mean that? Would you ever want to become pals with... A useless shape like me?" The dream demon wandered over to the boy, and started gently pinching his cheek like an overzealous grandma.

"Yes, of course, Bill. Who wouldn't WANT to be friends with a WONDERFUL supervillain like you?!" Dipper spoke through gritted teeth, as the right side of his face was gently massaged.

"Well... I DON'T BELIEVE YOU!" Bill's kneading of the cheek became a strong pinch, and Dipper recoiled in shock. "And I'll be having words with Booth 5 during the intermission... If I find out it was anything nasty, in any way... You'll be for the high jump, my lad... High jump over the moon, that is" he added threateningly...

"UH OH" thought Dipper." Maybe that should be my cue to escape... Or I probably won't even make it to Round 3..."

"Last, and DEFINITELY least..." (Bill rolled his eyes) Need I even say anything else... It's the inimitable (Thank goodness for that) Booth six!

BOOTH 6: "Dipper, I could tell you all the wondering and amazing things that make you the incredible and perfect person you truly are. But, I'm not going to... Instead, I'm going to SING about them..."

And with that, the sound of a gentle harp started playing, and a lovely (actually, terrible) voice drifted from the booth, and into Dipper's ears. Assaulting them. Horribly.

"Dipper, Dipper

Faster than lightning

No-one can see

He's the boy for mmmeee..."

"THANK YOU DEAR, I PROVIDE THE MUSICAL ENTERTAINMENT ROUND HERE!" Said the indignant Bill as he took his earplugs out, wondering if his piggy bank could afford all the copyright rules the girl had just broken. "And that CD is out now in all bad record stores. Perfect for those family members you can't stand, or your most mortal enemies."

"Now that we've heard all six of our wonderful potential lady-loves, it's time for our old favourite... The Clap-O-meter! So, my lovely assistants... Please, wheel it out!"

The same female triangles with eyelashes from before emerged, pulling a device with them...

But it was not the same gizmo that had been seen after the first question (although, they looked similar).

This one was pink, and was covered with pictures of naked cartoon ponies... Spreading their most intimate areas... And had a photo of a fat guy with a beard on it... Pleasuring himself...

"OH WAIT, SORRY EVERYONE!" Exclaimed Bill, as the audience and Dipper looked at it in disgust. "I really need to start hiring triangles with ears. This is the CLOP-o-meter. Please ladies... Take it away... We'll need for after the fifth season hiatus ends..."

" AND DON'T MENTION THIS TO HASBRO!" He shouted after them, as another set of female triangles brought in the RIGHT machine this time...

So, here we go...

BOOTH 1. 6/10 (Her detective skills deserve some credit)

BOOTH 2. 3/10 (This is a dating show... NOT WCW.)

BOOTH 3. 5/10 (Stanley is still doing most of the running here.)

BOOTH 4. 9/10 (The crowd is moved by her sincerity, as well as intrigued by the mystery. Sickos.)

BOOTH 5. 7/10 (Who DOESN'T love poking fun at a terrible film? MST3K anyone?)

BOOTH 6. 0/10 (Need you ask?)

"And now that load of rubbish is behind us". Bill sighed "I'm off for a back rub, some black coffee... And to have a little chat with Booth five. WATCH OUT, PINE TREE!"

The host gave the nervous beyond belief kid a little tap on the head, before heading off to a well deserved break.

And, the adverts started again...

"BILLS, BILLS, BILLS! NOTHING BUT BILLS! IF THIS IS YOU, THEN BILL CAN HELP YOU... BY KILLING THE PEOPLE YOU OWE MONEY TO! CALL TODAY!"


	5. Chapter 5

The audience was muted. Dipper was checking his watch, sighing impatiently.

Even the male and female triangles, who were advertising Bill's brand of instant coffee granules (ISOSCELES shaped, of course) had stopped drinking their delicious hot beverages to stare at the camera.

It had been twenty minutes.

And the man with the cane was STILL not back yet.

"Where could he be?" pondered Lazy Susan.

"I dunno... But there's a question I've always wanted to ask you..." Replied Stanley.

"Shoot, babycakes" Susan replied back, fluttering her one eye in a flirtatious way.

"Why are you so weird? I mean... Even compared to the rest of the Gravity Falls residents..." Stanley was in a blunt mood.

"Whatever do you mean?" Susan scratched her head, as her white wig wobbled a little.

"Well... let's see..." Stan pondered. "You've worn the same dress for decades... You reek of cat urine... You always bring the wrong order to my table... You've filled up my answering machine with more messages than the taxman... And what's with the whole 'Cyclops' look?"

"I'VE NEVER BEEN SO OFFENDED IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!" Susan said, in a huff. " IF THIS YOUR IDEA OF A FIRST DATE, I'M GOING TO LEAVE RIGHT NOW... AND YOU'RE PICKING UP THE CHEQUE!"

She tried to get up, but alas was held in place by Bill's magic.

"Oh yeah... And 'Has Memory Of An Amnesiac Goldfish...' "Stan added it to his list of reasons to Hate Susan, right next to 'Reasons to give Dipper all the jobs at the shack' and 'Reasons why I look cool wearing a fez' (No 1... BECAUSE I'M A FREEMASON, BIATCH!)

"If you two have QUITE finished" Ford remarked to his brother and the old hag "I've just remembered something. I have a HIGHLY volatile experiment involving nuclear fission, half a bag of jelly babies and a pound's worth of Waddle's waste. IF WE DON'T GET BACK IN FIVE MINUTES THE WHOLE PLANET WILL EXP..."

"AAANNNDDD WELCOME BACK TO PINES DATE... HE'LL KILL YOU WITH KINDNESS... HE'LL KILL YOU WITH FLATTERY... OR JUST KILL YOU ANYWAY... AND SEND YOU TO HELL! (Note the missing ' ) PLEASE WELCOME YOUR DEMENTED HOST, BILL CIPHER!..." Ford's warning was abruptly interrupted by the reappearance of the presenter himself, as canned applause echoed all throughout the hall now.

After the fake ovation had ended, and Bill had finished taking what must have been over a hundred bows, he straightened his bow-tie and put on his most serious voice. "Right, now. Down to business. First things first everyone gets a shock, for forcing me to substitute false applause for real applause..." The host pressed the button on his staff.

BUZZ!

YOWCH!

"Don't let it happen again! Next... Mr Announcement Guy... I'd like a little word with you..." The host clicked his fingers, and a random triangle with a unibrow and an old fashioned microphone appeared as if from nowhere.

The announcer visibly paled a lighter shade of yellow at the unexpected summoning, and sweat marks started appearing around his three sided visage. "Er... Yes, your omnipotent one, your magnificence... Your awe-inspiringness..." He spluttered, desperate to curry favour with the triangle turned man in charge of proceedings.

"ENOUGH BUTT KISSING." Bill demanded twirling his stick in the air. "I get enough of that backstage..." He turned around to wink at Dipper, who just responded with a blank expression.

Bill looked disappointed.

Frowning, the host turned back to the matter at hand. "Anyhoo, there I was, waiting to come on... Excited to meet my adoring public..." He gestured at the waiting audience, who merely pulled the same nondescript expression as Dipping Sauce. "And then I heard the intro to my glorious return..."

Bill's eyes suddenly turned to fire, as the whole room turned a dark shade of red. "DEMENTED?! YOU THINK I'M DEMENTED?! ALL BECAUSE I WISH TO ENSLAVE THE HUMAN RACE... KILL BILLIONS OF OTHER LIFEFORMS... AND ENJOY TAKING CANDY FROM SMALL INFANTS?! "It was getting hot in the studio... And there was NO air conditioning.

Phew.

The announcer really started to panic, his single pupil flitting around like a hamster caught in a microwave (don't ask me how I know about that). "Err..." He slurred... " No, of course not. I just think you're insane... Mad... Off your trolley... Completely loopy... And, a bit nuts, too." He added with a touch of confidence. He was SURE he'd be let off the hook now...

Bill begged to differ.

"RIGHT, THAT'S IT!" The apoplectic host turned into a living flame, and shot a plume of fire warm enough to heat a volcano at his careless announcer. Soon, there was nothing left at the spot where the hapless creature had once floated... Except for a heap of ashes on the floor.

RIP.

"Don't worry, I'll make sure that his remains get passed on to his widow" remarked Bill, removing his hat as a mark of respect, as a funeral dirge played in the background"She wanted him cremated anyway. And now, we need a replacement announcer... "The host went through his list of options, as one of his assistants popped up on stage to remove the black powder with a dustpan and brush.

The aide had just finished up sweeping the last remnants of the tragic victim of Bill's ire, when the host himself turned around and excitedly pointed at him. "WHAT'S YOUR NAME... SON?"

"Er, Philip, sir" Came the uncertain reply.

"Philip..." Bill mused. "It's okay... But I think we should change it to Phil... You know, so it looks better on the posters..."

"Um... Sir, if you don't mind me asking... What are you talking about?!" Philip was utterly perplexed.

"Well, I just believe that, when we tour as a double act ... PHIL and BILL would look so much better on the BILLing(ha ha) than BILL... And Philip..." The host smiled at his young hired help.

Philip dropped the dustpan and brush in amazement, allowing the ashes of his predecessor to be caught by a random (e.g planned) gust of wind, which distributed them the audience. "Y..you don't mean... Y..you can't mean..."

"THAT'S RIGHT, PHILLY VANILLY!" Bill stepped forward to squeeze his new partner's chubby cheeks (The ones at the back, that is) "I'M MAKING YOU MY SECOND IN COMMAND! You'll have all sorts of new responsibilities... Announcing... Doing my hair... Being my scapecoat I can beat to within an inch of their life if anything goes wrong... Making Pine Tree jealous when I obnoxiously fondle you in front of him..."

Philip (Now rechristened Phil), now doing the Gangnam Style dance in mid-air (GET WITH THE TIMES, MAN!) during his celebration, stopped what he was doing for a second. "What were those last two things, again?" He enquired.

"IT DOESN'T MATTER!" Bill reassured him. "Now, all you have to do if sign your entire life away to me. Don't worry... I won't touch your soul... Yet. That's right... Sign there in your own blood. And there. And there. That's it. Best decision you ever made, kid. Now, as part of the agreement... I promise that profits will be split right down the middle... 0.0000000001% to you, and 99.9999999999% to me. It's gonna be a roller coaster ride, kid. And I'll be your driver."

"WOW! I wasn't expecting such a generous salary!" Phil gasped at his new wage. "You truly are the king of kings." He saluted Bill, who in turn waved his stick over the poor sap, like the Queen knighting some corrupt politician.

"Now, go away you silly goose." Bill told his new partner. "And alert the media. Tell 'em there's there's a NEW kid in town... Who don't take no crap from NO-ONE. Not even those damn dodecahedrons. And his name is..." The host scratched his head for a minute.

"Who did you say you were again?" Bill wondered.

"Phil" replied the new guy. "But... YOU can call me whatever you want..." He added, simpering.

"I might just hold you to that..." Bill waved him off " See you later... Phil."

"Okay... I'll be counting the milliseconds..." Phil made his way out, before stopping for a moment to ask himself a pressing question.

"Wait a sec... Do roller coasters HAVE drivers?"

He shrugged his puny shoulders, before exiting stage left.

Dipper almost felt sorry for him. That... Thing... had NO idea what he'd let himself in for.

Key word there: ALMOST... He'd still swap places with 'Phil' any day compared to his current predicament.

"Now, what's next to do on the agenda...?" Bill unfurled a long list of paper with writing on it, which subsequently spilled out onto the floor...

Before it took on a life of it's own, and wrapped every single person in that room up Anaconda Style (no, no-one was shaking their buttocks) as tightly as Stanley's wallet was entrenched in his pants pocket.

So, while everyone was suffocating to Death, Bill was deliberating about what little activity to do.

Nice to see he had his priorities in order.

"Ah, yes... STANLEY PINES... I'M CALLING YOU OUT!" As Bill made his mind up, the list slowly retracted in length, allowing everyone to finally breathe again, and the healthy blue colour in their cheeks to gradually ebb away.

"I want a little word with you... You naughty old man!" Bill chided him in a childish way, wagging his finger up and down.

"Isn't it enough... COUGH COUGH... That you nearly choked me to death... Wheeze... And now, you want to inflict MORE damage on me?" Stan asked,as he recovered from his almost asphyxiation...

A bit presumptious of him to assume Bill meant him ill... But, looking at the host's recent behaviour, not an entirely unjustified one.

"NO IT ISN'T!" Boomed Bill as the whole room shook, before his milder voice kicked in. "Just before my ex-announcer made his little faux-pas, I happened to hear a little birdie tell me you said something rather nasty to this lovely young lady here..."

A spotlight suddenly appeared, and shone on Lazy Susan... Who could only respond by giggling embarrassingly and gesturing with her hand. "Oh, you!"

"How did YOU know about that?!" Stanley asked, his arms folded in front of him. "You don't even HAVE any ears... I see no ornithological life around here...And, if you're going to make spurious accusations like that... I WANT A LAWYER! As well as, a six pack of beer,a lifetime pass to the Swingers club... A few hundred dollars worth of Viagra...

"ENOUGH!" Bill decided to fly over and biff the incorrigible codger on the head with his cane. "In answer to all of your impudent questions" The host raged "I keep my ears hidden under my hat to deter thieves... I ate the bird for my dinner (it was delicious, by the way... With a sprig of parsley) And, I know exactly what you said, because just like your laughable God... I. AM. EVERYWHERE!"

All of the sudden, the spectators around Stanley had their faces morph to look just Bill's jaundiced, handsome features. They all started laughing, pointing, jeering, at poor Stanley... Who was cowering in his seat like a lil babe.

Dipper felt oddly at ease with the torture of his Grunkle. Was it wrong for him to get a taste of what the pre-teen had to experience ever since they'd arrived in this delusional world?

'Schadenfreude', I believe they call it. Look it up, you ill-educated buffoon.

Regardless, the people's faces soon turned back into their ugly selves, and Bill bashed Stanley on the bonce once again with his stick. "Now, what I was getting at was... You,sir are a bounder. A cad. An all-round, all-year long stinker. You have besmirched the name of this darling lady here... And for that... You must pay the penalty".

Bill pointed at Lazy (Lady?!) Susan with his stick, and the disgusting crone blushed at the compliment. She hadn't had this much attention from the opposite sex since that unfortunate incident with the lazer made her a walking freak with a dead end job. Since then, the only male company that could stand her were her tomcats...

Even they only really used her as a scratching post. And occasional litter tray.

Bill didn't seem put off with her, though. He grabbed Susan by her lapels, before kissing up and down her hairy, calloused arm, whispering sweet nothings in her ear... Making the yucky cafe owner giggle like a schoolgirl.

Everyone present gagged. This was one of the most powerful beings in The Universe... He could have any male or female his sick little pointy head could desire...

And he chose... THE BRIDE OF FRICKING FRANKENSTEIN?!

It got even worse when he squeezed her mammary glands...

They were hanging down so low, he had to reach for her midriff.

The straight talking Stanley had seen enough. "Bill, If your aim was to gross us all out, then I have to congratulate you: Mission Accomplished. Now, you've succeded in making us all see what we all had for breakfast yesterday... I gotta ask... What is the point in this charade? You can't possibly find that sea monster... Attractive." He cringed at the thought he once had a 'thing' for her.

Thank goodness, he had the foresight to get new glasses the next day.

Bill looked like he was going add a third lump on Stanley's scalp, but changed his mind. "Au contraire, mon ami " He told the old man. " Don't you know only the BEST individuals have only one eye... Peter Falk... Sammi Davis Jnr... ME..." He leered at Susan, who continued to chuckle at his flirting.

"That's why... (I'm sorry, my darling... But I must leave you for a minute)..." Bill stood up to face Stanley, leaving behind a visibly upset Susan." I demand VENGEANCE! A duel, TO THE DEATH! ON THIS LADY'S HONOUR!

"Hang on..." Said Stanley, raising an eyebrow "I'm not even sure if she HAS any..."

All of sudden, Bill clicked his fingers again... And Stanley found himself centre stage... All dressed up, like a musketeer.

Bill was also attired in similarly old fashioned attire... With a sword in his hand. "EN GUARD!" The manic host challenged Stanley... And the old miser glanced down to see he also had a holstered sabre.

Nervously pulling it out, he was just in time before Bill was upon him. "THAT'S FOR MY SISTER!" Said the host, as his swipe was blocked by Stanley... (Just)

"THAT'S FOR MY PET DOG, BOW WOW!" Bill lunged at him again, this time Stanley parried the blow "B...but I've never done anything to your sis or pet..." The old man stammered to no avail.

"And this... IS FOR ALL THE POOR PEOPLE YOU'VE SCAMMED OVER THE YEARS!" Bill unexpectedly made a sudden stab at the trouser pocket where Stanley's wallet was securely stored away...

The blow connected.

A ripping sound could be heard... As both fabric and money container were torn. As if from nowhere, through the hole ten and twenty dollar bills with wings started flying out like butterflies. They flew towards the audience, who made exaggarated leaps towards them... Stuffing the notes in their pockets as soon as they were caught.

Stanley was aghast. WHY hadn't Bill pierced somewhere less important... Like his heart, or his brain... At least then he'd still be a wealthy corpse.

"HOW COULD YOU... YOU... DESPICABLE FIEND! I KNEW YOU WERE WICKED... BUT THIS... THIS IS BARBARIC!" Stanley berated Bill, before throwing his blade on the floor and jumping up and down on it. Yeah, that'll help.

"Ah, music to my EARS." Bill took his hearing organs out from under his hat to prove that yes, he did have them. "Yes, I'm a cruel, callous bastard. Only you, and trillions of other lifeforms have discovered that over the years. Well done. I did tell you you'd PAY the penalty, didn't I? Not EVERYTHING is a metaphor. Now, return to your seat... I wish to get on with the program".

Bill snapped his fingers again, and a now penniless Grunkle Stan was returned to his seat... Still wearing his ancient garments from before. "HEY, WHAT HAPPENED TO MY CLOTHES?!" The old man spluttered.

"Oh, I saw how much you LOVED wearing those togs... So, I'm letting you keep them. Don't worry about paying me back for them... Consider if a gift, for helping me find... The Girl Of My Dreams". Bill gave a little wink to Lazy Susan, who responded with the same gesture.

Ah, young love!

"WHY YOU..." Stanley started up again.

But Bill wasn't listening. He'd turned his despotic attentions to Dipper, who'd been laughing all throughout his Great Uncle's humiliation.

Man... It felt GREAT when the boot was on the other foot for a change.

He stopped his hysterics a little when he noticed Bill's eye trained on him. "Something amuses you, Pine Tree?"

"Well, it's just... With the sword... And the money... Then, the stupid costume..." Dipper started chuckling again.

Bill patiently waited for his merriment to die down, before the host asked him in a serious tone. "I see you're having a good time... I fear that mood will not last for much longer..."

Dipper immediately took the hint, and stopped his incessant laughter "W..what do you mean?!" he asked tenatively.

"I mean..." Bill briskly walked over to the boy with the birthmark, so he was standing directly over him " Do you remember what I said I was going to do during the intermission?!"

"Uh... No" replied Dipper. Even though he actually DID, and it was making the pre-teen feel more and more edgy.

"I said I was going to have a little word with Booth No 5, about some very nasty names she alleged you called me." Bill looked rather cross. "You denied it... But, thanks to reliable sources I have placed EVERYWHERE, I found out she was telling the absolute truth. That I was a... What was it you said again...?"

Bill decided to refresh his memory..." He waved his hands, and a flashback appeared on a giant screen." ...If I ever see that lousy Doritohead again, I'll..." Sounded out Dipper's unmistakeble voice. The host watched this, while eating some popcorn from a bucket he'd conjured up.

"THAT WAS IT... A LOUSY DORITOHEAD... How could I forget such an inventive insult... Silly me!" Bill rolled his eyes, while Dipper started to tip-toe away... Afraid of the consequences if he stayed...

"AND JUST WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING?!" All of a sudden Bill turned around... As the unfinished popcorn turned to marbles that rolled across the floor, tripping a now sprinting Dipper up, before they spherical items carried him over to the annoyed host.

"Picking him up bridal-style, Dipper could do nothing as Bill held him in a hypnotic gaze. "So, you lied to me. Do you have ANY idea what happened to the LAST person who compared me to a high calorie snack treat?" That fire was burning in the host's eyes again.

"...No?" Dipper was frightened out of his wits, yet he couldn't move a muscle.

"Trust me, Pine Tree... You DON'T wanna know. They're still picking what's left of him from all over the multiverse. In fact... I must remember to ask Phil to help me out with that task later..." Bill paused thoughtfully.

Dipper swallowed deeply. Oh. Dear. He really was in some serious doo-doo.

"HOWEVER" Bill sighed. "Call me an old softie... But, I'm going to let you live. Besides, I'm pretty sure that none of these lovely girls behind the screens want to take home a bag of intestines today..." he remarked graphically.

Ick.

"PHEW!" Dipper was relieved beyond all measure "Thank you SO MUCH, Mr Cypher... I swea, you won't regret this. From now on... I'll have nothing but nice things to say about you... Just wait and see!" He grinned at the unimpressed host.

"Don't be so hasty in your gratitude" Bill commented. "I'm still going to torture you half to death for your grevious insults."

Oh. Dear.

"But..t" Dipper tried to protest, but it was too later. He was already being carried to Bill's punishment room at the back.

Think of Christian's secret sexual torture chamber in Fifty Shades of Grey... With hundreds more instruments of pain and degradation.

"Just think of it as a game... Pine Tree." Bill smirked, as the iron door was closed behind them. "The more you scream, the less hard I'll be on you. Or is it... The other way around. Hmm... Guess you'll have to find out through trial and error..."

Dipper continued to beg for mercy, before the entrance was shut... And silence reigned.

It was obviously another break. The audience waited for another cheesy commercial to begin...

Only, instead they got the static of a loudspeaker being turned on, and pumped into the studio... Accompanied by the sounds of whipping being heard, along with tortuous screams of pain.

"Ah... WHIP... Don't pretend you don't... WHIP... love it... WHIP... Pine Tree... WHIP. And after... WHIP... We've finished... WHIP... With this... WHIP... You can have a good old long session... WHIP... In the Iron Maiden... WHIP."

(Clue: He's not talking about the washed up Rock n Roll band)

Bill paused from his exertions for a minute, and decided to address everyone. Yes, even you, the reader.

"Hope you enjoyed Part Five of my show... Sorry we never got round to the girls... But you must realise now, there's a set formula here... Odd chapters = Madcap fun... Even Chapters = The ladies. So I'll see you in Chapter Six with Dipstick here... Or, at least, what's left of him by then..." Bill goes back to what he's best at... Causing untold misery and suffering.

WHIP!

AARGH!

BONUS: Stanford: Um... Shouldn't we like, go and help the kid? It sounds like he's taking a bit of a battering in there...

Stanley: Nah. Serves the squirt right... Laughing at me losing all my 'hard earned' cash like that... And this stupid outfit... By the way, brother...

Stanford: What is it, Dartanian?

Stanley: HA HA, very funny. What I was going to say was, what did you mean before, before you were cut off... "The Whole World Will Exp..." Is it anything we need to worry about?

Stanford: What? Oh, THAT. No... Not at all. What I was going to say was: The Whole World Will Experience a sudden rainstorm today, because of my meddling with the weather patterns... And I wanted to bring in my nerd jackets that are hanging to dry outside. I don't want to disprove the theory of relativity, when I'm soaking wet... Do I?

Stanley: Uh, guess not. But, what about that dude who shouted "EUREKA!" When he jumped in the bath? Didn't his genius originate from a drenched state?

Stanford: No, that was just a coincidence. Now if you don't mind... I'd like to enjoy my nephew's agony in peace. I get the feeling he's going to break the sound barrier in a minute, with all that screaming. Might make for an interesting thesis...

Stanley... You're a sick man, Ford.

Stanford: What was that?

Stanley:... Nothing.


End file.
